seeking

[Patric]

Please pray for me...the issue I posted was removed...I have a 'thorn' in my side...to which it seems is best not to discuss....even amongst those I trust....
sorry for any trouble before moderator....
thy will be done....

[Linny]

Will pray for you Patric.
Lin

[Craig]

Patric,

You can post again but tone down the graphic details.  Remember the forum is open for the whole world to read, including children if they wanted.  You can get your point across without the graphic detail.

Craig

[Patric]

the 'thorn' in my side....I fear may prevent me from having a covenant relationship ever (marriage)....I am 41 and since I was 12 due to some abuse from a family member my thoughts for intimate relationships have been very much skewed in what I think I want as least in the flesh....I want it but I do not want to want it....Paul in Romans talking about the sinful nature vs the pleasing the Spirit....I have been pure in body (but not my heart and mind) up to this point in my life...and there is a woman whom I am attracted to and we are like minded....yet this dark side of me I fear would keep me from ever being married....there is but a handful of people who know this side of me....and it humbles me to know that I am not capable of changing my nature in the flesh (I can see how I could be Hitler, or Pharaoh, or a murder, thief, alcoholic, drug user, etc)....I do not have the 'gift' which Paul spoke of...and I am content enough and selfish enough at this point of my life to remain single....I am looking for tips....prayers....and advice on what to do in a relationship....the 20 years I dated in the Church I have come out of Babylon from..... mostly focused on having fun and nothing intimate and absolutely no physical contact other then a hug at the end of the date....so while I have much experience dating about 40 times per year I have very little idea as to what to do to enhance or build up beyond friendship into a covenant marriage...or how to be romantic (other then what is in my head in fantasy)...and no clue as to what physically to do once married...my parents never told me...school teaches you basically anatomy....and my friends boast or brag of their deeds....so I am clueless trust me.....I had a steady relation with one woman 11 years ago while attending church...she changed her mind and left my life after a year of dating....I listened to Ray talk about Marriage on an audio clip and it has really helped to change my thinking about the entire subject....and although I would want to please my wife physically in such a relationship....I have serious issues that would make things embarrassing and less then ideal to meet those needs....what woman would want such a man? I may be incapable of normal relations....and I am giving the generic or vanilla version of what I posted earlier only to realize that my words were too offensive...and yet....to really get to the heart of the matter if I am not graphic...the gravity of my situation will not be understood....so I am doing my best to give details yet remain pure and word and thought....so my deeds will not judge me....yet I know if I do not volunteer for this....they will haunt me never to go until the lake of fire in the 2nd resurrection.....I am too humble to assume I will be one of God's elect....though I feel I too have the Spirit of God guiding my life....I am powerless to this...so much so that if in fact this were not such an issue to overcome in my fantasies...that I would boast of how good I was...so God uses it to keep me humble...and but for the grace of God I am capable of much worse...given the circumstances I would fall in many other ways surely....I see my weakness....
so I suppose...all this rambling here is still not enough info....but gives some back round for those I trust to help me... tips....advice....ideas....thoughts....scriptures....prayers....guidance...counseling etc on relationships....and please understand that friendship to me is one of my strengths...and is most important to me....for that philios love does not fade...
I have a date with someone which will be our 3rd date over the past 3 months....we are like minded...the same age (41) yet different races she is black while I am white....I have known her for almost 17 years previously....and bells are not going off in my heart....not yet....she is modest in appearance...and has a great heart....we have many common interests....
I am seeking to overcome years of lust....abuse....clueless ideas....lack of advice...guidance....arrogance....and the church basically making things worse about sexuality....intimacy....marriage...and what I now see as a covenant with a woman...or should I just be a hermit...or monk! Keep in mind the deep dark secrets which make me shy...odd....single....are nothing to take lightly....
my hope is in and always will be that thy will be done....

Patric

[Dave in Tenn]

For your encouragement:

Luk 14:16-24  Jesus said to him, "A man gave a large banquet and invited many people.  When it was time for the banquet, he sent his servant to tell those who were invited, 'Come! Everything is now ready.'  Every single one of them began asking to be excused.

The first said to him, 'I bought a field, and I need to go out and inspect it. Please excuse me.'
Another said, 'I bought five pairs of oxen, and I'm on my way to try them out. Please excuse me.'
Still another said, 'I recently got married, and that's why I can't come.'

"So the servant went back and reported this to his master. Then the master of the house became angry and told his servant, 'Go quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring back the poor, the crippled, the blind, and the lame.'

The servant said, 'Sir, what you ordered has been done, and there is still room.'  Then the master told the servant, 'Go out into the streets and the lanes and make the people come in, so that my house may be full.  For I tell all of you, none of those men who were invited will taste anything at my banquet.

1Co 6:9-11  You know that wicked people will not inherit the kingdom of God, don't you? Stop deceiving yourselves! Sexually immoral people, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexuals, thieves, greedy people, drunks, slanderers, and robbers will not inherit the kingdom of God.  That is what some of you were! But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.

It doesn't matter if the damages listed in Luke 14 or the sins listed in I Corinthians 6 are precisely yours or not.  We know here (or ought to) that there is no sin, failing, or affliction that that couldn't be ours if the Lord had directed our steps differently.  So your words here are sufficient for anybody with the maturity to offer you any help in the first place.

For exhortation:

1Co 7:7  I would like everyone to be like me. However, each person has a special gift from God, one this and another that.
1Co 7:8  I say to those who are unmarried, especially to widows: It is good for them to remain like me.
1Co 7:9  However, if they cannot control themselves, they should get married, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1Co 7:10  To married people I give this command (not really I, but the Lord): A wife must not leave her husband.
1Co 7:11  But if she does leave him, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. Likewise, a husband must not abandon his wife.
1Co 7:12  I (not the Lord) say to the rest of you: If a brother has a wife who is an unbeliever and she is willing to live with him, he must not abandon her.
1Co 7:13  And if a woman has a husband who is an unbeliever and he is willing to live with her, she must not abandon him.
1Co 7:14  For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified because of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.
1Co 7:15  But if the unbelieving partner leaves, let him go. In such cases the brother or sister is not bound; God has called you to live in peace.
1Co 7:16  Wife, how do you know whether you will save your husband? Husband, how do you know whether you will save your wife?
1Co 7:17  Nevertheless, everyone should live the life that the Lord gave him and to which God called him. This is my rule in all the churches.
1Co 7:18  Was anyone circumcised when he was called? He should not try to change that. Was anyone uncircumcised when he was called? He should not get circumcised.
1Co 7:19  Circumcision is nothing, and uncircumcision is nothing, but obeying God's commandments is everything.
1Co 7:20  Everyone should stay in the calling in which he was called.
1Co 7:21  Were you a slave when you were called? Do not let that bother you. Of course, if you have a chance to become free, take advantage of the opportunity.
1Co 7:22  For the slave who has been called in the Lord is the Lord's free person. In the same way, the free person who has been called is Christ's slave.
1Co 7:23  You were bought for a price. Stop becoming slaves of people.
1Co 7:24  Brothers, everyone should stay in the calling he was in when called by God.

Stay in the state you are:  Unmarried and being dealt with by the Spirit of God.  The woman you are seeing is not a fantasy, but a real person.  You shouldn't fantasize about a relationship with her that doesn't match her own thoughts.  As the Lord leads, if a closer relationship seems to be occuring, you're going to have to be honest with her about areas of your brokenness.  Until then, Stay in the calling you are.  Don't be a slave of a fantasy.  You were bought with a price.  You are the responsibility of the Lord God.  And that means, among other things, that you shouldn't burden her with the full force of your need for the foreseeable future. 

Let the Lord heal you to a greater extent and:

Rom 12:1,2  I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.  And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

In the meantime, pray and learn to love as a righteous, single man...neither hermit nor monk.

Praying for you.


   

[Patric]

thank you....it is words just like this from "Babylon" that have kept me single to begin with....it is as if I was some spiritual leper...and that no one should ever get married....yet the talented...the educated...the good lookers...those groomed to be leaders etc...were getting married....and are continuing to get married....I am looking for advice...tips....ideas....from those who are married....and in relationships...and song of songs love....why am I odd in my fantasy? (which is self abasing and masochistic) which was mostly from the result of abuse as a child sexually....and lack of anyone giving me anything other then laughter or the very same scriptures you gave as to why I should remain as I am...yet no one....NO ONE else ever lives by those scriptures....yet I am a virgin
but again....I can not offer the details....they are too graphic....I will deny myself and just keep my hope in that God's will be done....

[Dave in Tenn]

Patric, I wrote and shared scripture with you to encourage you that God is able to heal and save you, up to and including a covenant relationship with a woman.  Back up a minute and read the Scripture again to see if there aren't hopeful words in there for you.  If you STILL don't see them, then I'll point them out explicitly. 

[Patric]

yes talk to me please....I have no idea....my eyes and ears are just beginning to open....

[Patric]

okay brothers and sisters....
I am looking for advice...tips....ideas....clues....spiritually to date...and get beyond friendship with a woman who is like minded and not just a good looking person to me...or has good traits, and or good personality...she is a spiritual woman whom also has had her eyes opened....mostly all I understand is how to build a friendship....I am very good at this...I am seeking more then that....should I wait for all aspects of physical love, romance, passion, intimacy until I am in a covenant marriage? What do I do to court her....right now the bells of romance are not even in my head or heart...I am attracted to her but not in some lustful way that is wrong....I see her as a daughter of God....and one whom could help me as I help her in our walk here on earth to be changed into God's image of what he said in Genesis....and keep in mind the Babylon I left focused only on friendship in dating...so I had many many many friends...and only one girlfriend ever and many were getting married that had good looks, talent, education, pedigree, the movers and shakers if you will....while in my humility I wait for God's will...which leaves me 20 years in Babylon a virgin...unmarried....and in one serious relationship which lasted a year only to have the woman leave me telling me that romance is not enough!
so please tell me...since my parents did not...school did not...my friends did not....and the hypocrisy of 'churchianity' kept it hide from me as well....how does one court, fall in love, win the heart of, romance, song of songs love, win the attention of, swoon, date, and ultimately marry and have covenant with a woman of God? thanks ahead of time....please understand...I do not want worldly ideas...I know that is wrong....but all of you whom are married...even if you got married before you were believers surely know what is to be done! This is more then just a ceremony or legal binding I am looking for here...I am looking for my 'rib' and helper.....and spiritual partner....41 years of age I am....I do not possess the 'gift' to which Paul spoke of....and keep in mind...I may not physically be able to meet my wife's physical need for love....but I will not go into great detail about that....as this is my 'thorn' which stems from my sin from the time I was 12 being abused sexually and then my entire outlook on sex and relations greatly distorted about women....intimacy...sexual relations and fantasies that I had about what I want...I want it...but I do not want to want it....I am content at this point of my life....and selfish enough to remain single....but that is not going to help me or any woman spiritually to grow as one flesh...and I feel I will miss out an entire 1/2 of what God wants for me....the feminine side of life..vs what I have the masculine side....how do the two become one.....sorry if I sound frustrated...it is just that Babylon...and world are backwards on these issues for sure....yet people get married...and have intimate relations all over the place...I have escaped the deceit and blindness of that past only humbly for God has opened my eyes and ears....

Patric

[arion]

I am content at this point of my life

I have not responded up until now because you are talking about some very similar issues that I have had to walk through.  You may not wish to hear this as it's not the type of encouragement your looking for.  I am a 47 year old male.  Single, never married, dated only sporadically and who also is very dysfunctional  due to similar things that happed during childhood and adolescence.  I never married not that I am incapable or unwilling to do the 'performance' issues of marriage but rather one who was so emotionally crippled that I was never able to get close to anyone or to give and receive intimacy.  To this very day I am still in an emotional 'prison' and the only one who can open that door for me is Christ and so far he has not opened it.  No amount of counseling, medication or the answers that this world has can provide a solution.  

You said that your content at this point in your life but the rest of your responses seem to contradict that.  What you need to do frankly, (imo only) is to give up on this issue that consumes so much of your time and to let God be God in your life.  If there are a few things I have learned on this journey is that truly without God I can not only do nothing but am totally incapable of accomplishing my own deliverance.  I have finally come to peace with it I think.  Whether or not Jesus opens those doors for me in this life only he knows.  I have had to accept where I am at and I've also had to come with terms that it was God's will for me for all of those things during childhood and the teenage years to happen to me....and it's o.k. now.  I don't need to be any different than I am and God has given me the grace to thank him for these things and to trust that in his time he will turn the lemons into lemonade.

Paul counseled us to be content where we are at in our current circumstances and it's quite possible that God will not move you past this issue until you learn to really do learn to be at peace with your situation.  I do know that marriage for me would be a disaster not only for the woman in my life but also any children until the issues that I have are worked out.  Seeking and pressing into something that God has not prepared you for will not end well.  I wish I could be more encouraging to you but I know at least for myself that I have need of being at peace with my circumstances before God is going to move me past them in HIS timing and not mine.

God bless and do know that he will work all things out for you.

Doug

[mharrell08]

Patric,

I agree with Doug's response, he is giving you sound counsel...it would be wise to listen and take heed. Try to take things one day at a time.


Marques

[G. Driggs]

I am attracted to her but not in some lustful way that is wrong....I see her as a daughter of God....and one whom could help me as I help her in our walk here on earth to be changed into God's image of what he said in Genesis...

Dave and Doug gave you some very good advice.

No one can "help" you to be changed into the image of God, besides God.

If you can control yourself, and are not burning with lust, then stay single. I want to reiterate, restate and back up what the brothers are trying to tell you. Please pay attention to all the words.

1Co 7:1  Now I want to deal with the things you wrote me about. Some of you say, "It is good for a man not to have sex with a woman."
1Co 7:2  But since there is so much sexual sin, each man should have his own wife. And each woman should have her own husband.
1Co 7:3  A husband should satisfy his wife's sexual needs. And a wife should satisfy her husband's sexual needs.
1Co 7:4  The wife's body does not belong only to her. It also belongs to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong only to him. It also belongs to his wife.
1Co 7:5  You shouldn't stop giving yourselves to each other except when you both agree to do so. And that should be only to give yourselves time to pray for a while. Then you should come together again. In that way, Satan will not tempt you when you can't control yourselves.
1Co 7:9  But if you can't control yourselves, you should get married. It is better to get married than to burn with sexual longing.

Better to seek the kingdom of God first, give Him all your undivided attention.

1Co 7:32  I don't want you to have anything to worry about. A single man is concerned about the Lord's matters. He wants to know how he can please the Lord.
1Co 7:33  But a married man is concerned about the matters of this world. He wants to know how he can please his wife.
1Co 7:34  His concerns pull him in two directions. A single woman or a virgin is concerned about the Lord's matters. She wants to serve the Lord with both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the matters of this world. She wants to know how she can please her husband.
1Co 7:35  I'm saying those things for your own good. I'm not trying to hold you back. I want you to be free to live in a way that is right. I want you to give yourselves completely to the Lord.

Mat 6:32  "For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
Mat 6:33  "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Luk 12:30  "For all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things.
Luk 12:31  "But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

I can personally vouch that it is a little tougher to serve the Lord when you are married, which is why I think Paul says it is better to stay single. Not to mention the kids, but I would not trade any of it for being single.

Also read this, it might help.

Feb. 2007 Bible Study


                                   WHAT IS MARRIAGE?

                        [Is a License and a Ceremony Required?]

http://forums.bible-truths.com/index.php/topic,5675.0.html

Hope this helps

Peace, G.Driggs

[Roy Coates]

praying for you Patric. Peace, comfort, understanding and grace to you in the name of Jesus

[Patric]

Hope this helps in understanding what is going on....and that I do not offend anyone with my comments....I do appreciate all the input so far...yet there is lust in my heart...deep dark fantasies(my thorn)....and if having lust is the only reason for marriage....then I must be blind...I am looking for a helper....a spiritual woman whom God will reveal the other side of himself to me in....and you are still using what Paul calls the 'gift'....I do not claim to have the gift...and like I said people are getting married in droves ahead of me(Spiritual as well as worldly)....I feel  I am being cheated out of on something good here...after all God says it is not good for man to be alone....teenagers get married...young 20 somethings and 30 somethings while I am 41 and still deprived and have desired this for 25+ years!....there has been much lust in my heart for many different women...yet I denied myself or ran away...and thought I was doing a righteous thing....and claimed to be content meaning I realize that life is but a mist and that sex was dirty or bad yet no one seeks to remain single on purpose! I was told that this is better....better for who? and I see nothing Spiritual in being single....in fact the older I become it seems I become more odd and hermit like....not understanding 1/2 of human nature because I am not one flesh with what God says a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife....will not God use others to transform me into his image....wife....children....friends....relatives....and even strangers? the mystery of the Church is Christ is the husband of the bride....shall I not imitate that and be the husband of a wife? It is my lust and fantasies that burn within me...if not for these I would be in the words of most that know me a 'good' person....LOL yet I know I am not good.... I know God has given me this weakness so I will be humble....not humiliated....yet I am familiar with such all too easily....I fear for the lack of me being graphic enough....most of you are missing what I am asking for....and telling me to remain as I am(trapped in lust and fantasy)....I do not wish to remain as I am...the whole point is that God needs to change me into his image....and still none of you have offered any advice on courting a woman....is it that big of a mystery that no one knows? are we all clueless yet a huge percentage of people have sex....and burn with lust and marry....whether in the Church or in the flesh....."in his heart a man plans his course of action, but it is the Lord whom determines his steps" If i fail to make plans...then I can tell you the course of action that will happen....NOTHING....but if I dream and pray...and do something...then God will determine my steps which will not be nothing....so if I seek not a wife....I can be sure of this...I will not ever be married...it will not happen if i refuse to seek it....all your advice and scriptures I have taken to heart...and trust me I have sought them out for 20 years...and others give me sound teaching from 'Babylon' and yet still no one ever remained single or claimed to have this 'gift' Paul spoke of....and they encourage you to marry....why? because it has value....it is not as if I am eunuch or making myself a eunuch for the Kingdom of God here....I was not born such...and I am not made so by men....nor do I want to renounce it....I suppose I am asking the wrong questions....or not graphic enough about what I thought was the problem(lack of real guidance) versus just doing what everyone else does...including Godly people....they get married...me saying I am content is more of a selfish comment then something of value....I am getting set in my ways....humbled by my own flesh...but missing out on something God intended....for all of his children....and yes I read and listened to and read this http://forums.bible-truths.com/index.php/topic,5675.0.html just yesterday in fact....was eye opening....
I am shy...not a Don Juan by any such stretch of the imagination....with deep dark fantasies....lust...passion....and yet I have always run from women...or men...or anyone that would pursue me for intimate or sexual desire....please tell me some advice to further friendship into a covenant..... how does one court a woman and become her husband if no one ever gives me the how to? I am not a fool.....I know how to attract women...that is easy....I am asking for Godly values but maybe there are none other then burning with lust and desire? that seems more worldly to me then the unbelievers! I am asking for a spiritual help mate, friend, lover, wife. woman, rib, daughter of God, helper, so that I can become one flesh here....please open your eyes and see what it is I am asking....practical advice...on moving past friendly philio Love into Eros and Agape as well as storge love....can anyone tell me or counsel me on finding a wife? if not then I will find one....trust me...that is the easy part! I want God's will....and for all I know I will never marry...and burn with lust and passion and be haunted with fantasy....but Paul says that is bad! who in their right mind wants something that is bad? that argument is not solid food which I seek....but milk...and trust me as we all know the church in Corinth was very carnally minded for sure....this is not the directive on how to get married...but the corrective way for those who were in lust and passion...desire...cuz they were in sin no? I need to learn to live with a wife and not burn with my dark desires which are going in the total opposite direction...my idea of sex and cuckold relationships as well as all the backwards ideas they have produced for I waited soooooo long are not helping....I do not see this as the reason I would want to marry....instead these things are my thorn.....burning with desire...lust....fantasy...cuckold ideas for relationships....backwards concepts of sexuality having been abused...and own mind telling and showing me what is attractive or desirable.....Song of Songs is an ultimate expression of man/woman love I am after that as well....but not of the flesh first....it is spiritual help mate, friend, lover, wife. woman, rib, daughter of God, wife that I seek to be one flesh....to understand the mystery of the Church in it spiritually as well....I will not learn this if I have the 'gift' or deny myself and do not seek it...and i am in no hurry....as 99.747343% of all humanity is....I understand Spiritual things....through what I have suffered and been shown...God has revealed things to me as he does with his elect...yet I am too humble to see myself as having arrived...I press on......yet I will not boast in my flesh of what I am or have gone through...to me all that is worthless in comparison to anyone else and my standard is Jesus...I am not strong enough to go alone....Father I see your will....and i want a wife....my flesh wants it as well....my spirit all cry out for this....and humbly I can say....not my will be done...but yours....
that is my contentment.....

[Amrhrasach]

there is a woman whom I am attracted to and we are like minded

how does one court, fall in love, win the heart of, romance, song of songs love, win the attention of, swoon, date, and ultimately marry and have covenant with a woman of God?

and still none of you have offered any advice on courting a woman....is it that big of a mystery that no one knows?

Mystery?

Not at all.

Allow me to be frank for a few words and then I'll go back to being plain ol' horseman.


After a few "dates", provided you two make it that far, she'll make sure you know just exactly the where.....the what....and the how.... to continue to do things that please her.   If you don't....continue...to please her then I'm almost positive she'll let you know the how, when and where to exit.  And should that be the case then don't put the cart before the horse and worry about marriage.   If you DO continue to please her and eventually are married, I along with a tra-zillion other husbands on this planet, past and present, can almost virtually GUARANTEE you that every day thereafter you'll be presented with PRECISE instructions for securing your stay in that "heavenly" cloud in this life.   As for this "thorn" you speak of, no don't tell me I don't want to know, is not something that a woman who is showered with continuous love, affection and kindness, will find to be a stone-wall barrier in marriage.

Think I'm kidding about all this?   Ask any other married man, or woman for that matter.

Remember, you asked.   I don't know how speak it other than just plain english.  Hope I don't offend you, or any other.  If I do, well, I'm sure I'll know soon enough.

Other than that, I believe the above  posts by Gdriggs, Arion and Dave are flawless.

Gary

[Patric]

thanx for your input frank and thank you to horseman as well ....you really make it sound 'heavenly' indeed LOL...Song of Songs was on your mind I am sure....and from a worldly point of view...and in the flesh I know what you speak of is the truth....but yes you are the first to speak on something the Bible says next to nothing on....I know how to win a woman in the flesh but I was hoping there was more to it then that since I am seeking a spiritual help mate, friend, lover, wife. woman, rib, daughter of God, sister in Christ....I am hoping there is more to it then the carnal head knowledge that I possess now....since Adam said Finally! and At last! he seemed very excited about it....both the woman and I are virgins physically....thanx in an odd way to the church of 'Babylon' for the strict guidelines...and teachings that have sheltered and better said deceived us and many others into thinking we were odd or not spiritually or romantically...let alone physically desired by any person in our lives at that time...41 years of age....not by choice but by fear and religion...I always thought both the man and woman gave 100% to each other....somehow your sarcasm is leaking in some of your statements...but nonetheless there is truth in your words and the scriptures the others used are of course flawless...
thy will be done...

[Joel]

Hey Patric
I am praying for you, and hoping that God's will be done in your life. I guess it's easy for me to say, that you could try to live your life day to day in Christ Jesus, not looking so much in the past anymore. I will share with you my experience before I was married. I got serious with God one night in prayer, and told the Lord the type of woman I wanted. And even gave him some clear attributes and physical descriptions as well. And to my amazement I crossed paths with my wife of today, shortly thereafter.
We have been married for 39 years in March, so if you are to marry she isn't a fantasy, but is a reality, some where out there, possibly looking for you as we speak.
God bless You. Joel 

[Patric]

woohoo now that is encouragement brother thank you
in the words of Adam when he saw Eve...."Finally!" or "At last!" maybe I am not being specific enough! that is something I heard once....that be specific cuz God has a sense of humor and will give you what you ask for or have left out in the details! but clearly Christ has told us...'which of you if you son asks for an egg, will you then trick him with a snake? or if he asks for bread will deceive him with a scorpion?"
I seek Gods will knowing he knows what I want and need before I ask him....and more so knows what I need more then I do....sometimes I question my list of things I want or would like in a female...and I ask myself...are you such a beast that you need this? and if she has such qualities...would she really want you? LOL the fairy tale "Beauty and the beast" actually convicts my heart on appearance and ideas of what I consider in a partner as the beast had to win the lovely woman with nothing in his appearance desirable...and the woman had to love the beast in order for him to succeed and be changed back....yet if I am not attracted....would I ever fall in love? or have desire...and the Song of Songs physical attraction? I would not settle for anything less....I will be specific in my prayers....and you have opened my eyes... at times I am haunted by my past...or the fact that there is so much of it now! I wonder where the years have gone....41 jeez....I know I am no old foogey but life is but a mist...I would like to enjoy a wife of my youth...and that too is not really something I can decide....I make plans...the Lord does determine the steps....thanx for sharing your brief comments  Joel

Patric

[Amrhrasach]

..somehow your sarcasm is leaking in some of your statements

Sarcasm?

Marital bliss radiation, Patric.   

Leaking?

Oh, there's nothing I can do about that.   The leakage is due to Mrs. Horseman's dual blues turning to scarlet red and shooting forth lightning bolts through me when I become......as she puts it "a stubborn horse's....."....   And so I have permanent leakage.

I always thought both the man and woman gave 100% to each other....

Right.  And then there is the sliding scale.

Nonetheless, I'm glad Joel has given you wise words that encourage you.   

God knows what you need Patric, always.   

Gary

[Kat]

Hi Patric,

Well I'll comment since you seem to desire any suggestions you can get.  I believe that you have to overcome this "thorn in your flesh" before you can even consider getting married.  You may physically be a virgin, but you are far from "pure" from what you have said, quote, "there has been much lust in my heart for many different women...yet I denied myself or ran away."

Mat 5:27  "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.'
v. 28  But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

So you need to get your priorities straight, first you have to "pluck out" this grievous sin.  It's true that God must remove these lustful desires, but you should not just keep on with it 'waiting' for God to take it away.  You say you do not desire to do this anymore, well put those desires into action.  If you are waiting until God makes it easy to stop, maybe that's not the way it will happen, you need to just get started.

Now if you are getting along well with this woman you have been dating... enjoying being with each other, communicating, respecting each other, that is what you should be trying to determine about each other initially.  You will only know if you two are 'right' for each other, if over time you develop a sincere love for one another and deeply care for one another... you want to take care of her and protect her, you are concerned with what she thinks and feels, you want to make her happy, of course these should be neutral feelings.  But sex should not be the main focus, maybe more like a nice fringe benefit.  I think that may be a part of the problem, you seem to be putting too much emphasis on this part of a relationship that is built on many other factors.  Don't worry so much about all the details, if there is true love you will find a way to work through most problems.

1Pe 4:8  Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

I hope this is taken on the way that it is given, as just some suggestions that might help.

mercy, peace and love
Kat