Paul may indeed be the worst sinner from God's perspective...that I do not know. However, I believe that each and every one of us need to see ourselves as the 'worst sinner' who has ever walked the earth. It is part of the process of our house of sand falling. When I consider the goodness of God towards me, all the opportunities he has given me and how often I have failed him it's hard for me not to see myself as the worst sinner who has ever drawn breath.
I have not physically murdered people like Saul did before his conversion but yet I have murdered them in my heart. I have never committed the sin of physical rape but I have done so in my heart. The new testament requirements so far exceed the old as the heavens are above the earth. Under the law one could get away with all the private sins of the heart as only outward obedience was required. Under the new testament if we even look at a woman to lust after her we've already committed adultery against her in our hearts. So we've participated in our hearts with some of the most foul sins imaginable.
I can't help but to keep thinking about the audio that Ray did in Nashville 2005 called 'guilty of all'. If anyone hasn't listened to it recently or has never listened to it I highly suggest it. It helps us to see ourselves as we really are.
http://bible-truths.com/audio/N05%20Guilty_of_ALL.mp3
You may be right about that. I've often thought of myself as the worst sinner ever, but I dont think that is the point. For sure Im no better than whoever the worst sinner in the world may be, cause I would do the same things if in their shoes. My main point was God's patients toward us and that no one is too sinful that He cannot save. No one is so sinful that He would get tired of them and give up.
Personally Im trying to think positive. I've beaten myself up too much and too long. Time to quit dwelling in the past and look ahead. There will prolly always be sin in my life but God willing it will get less and less till it no longer has dominion over me. I think one way to do that is to think positive, think of good things. Only because God caused me to.
Here a couple places Ray talked about Paul being the worst sinner ever and why.
http://www.bible-truths.com/lake3.htmlMost people believe that when Paul said he was the "chief of sinners" he was just blowing hot air--trying to play super humble or something. That he was so spiritual that he equated persecution of the church with being the grossest sin of all time. Not so. God’s Holy Spirit did not inspire Paul to "blow hot air" to make himself look artificially humble! Paul (Saul before his conversion) really was THE WORST SINNER THAT HAS EVER LIVED IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! (Including Hitler!)
There is a very important reason for understanding how gross a sinner Paul really was. There is a paramount reason why you will NEVER be able to out-sin Paul. NO ONE has ever been able to out-sin Paul. Men like Hitler and Hussein may even come close, but no one will ever hold that infamous distinction of being the "chief, preeminent, foremost sinner of all time" but the apostle Paul. Jesus Christ had to fill that position two thousand years ago for our understanding of upon whom the ends of the ages are come! Here’s the proof:
The phrase "beyond measure" in the KJV (Gal. 1:13) is translated from the Greek word hyperbole and has two primary usages:
"TRANSCENDENT" as found in Scriptures such as II Cor. 4:17
"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, works for us a far more EXCEEDING AND ETERNAL [eonian] WEIGHT of glory."
The Greek translated "exceeding" is huperbole, and means TRANSCENDENT. Transcendent describes something that is highest, incomparable, consummate, matchless, preeminent, sublime, perfect, unequaled, unparalleled, and unrivaled! In other words the highest possible degree. Nothing is higher than that which is huperbole -- TRANSCENDENT!
"INORDINATE" as we read in Gal. 1:13,
"For you hear of my behavior once, in Judaism, that I INORDINATELY persecuted the ecclesia [church] of God and ravaged it." (Concordant Literal New Testament).
Inordinate describes something that is excessive, exorbitant, extravagant, unreasonable, and too much. Now here’s the kicker: "Inordinately" is translated from the SAME GREEK WORD huperbole which is also translated "transcendently"! (For more details on this see my paper entitled Paul’s Thorn in the Flesh Identified).
Here then is the Biblical truth of this matter. To the degree that "transcendently" describes the HEIGHT of God’s goodness and glory, so likewise does the word "inordinately" describe the HEIGHT of evil that Paul perpetrated on the Church of God. God’s transcendent (huperbole) goodness and glory are UNPARALLELED! Likewise, Paul’s inordinate (huperbole) slaughter (murders) and threatenings are also, UNPARALLELED! God’s Word does not say in vain that Paul was the CHIEF, FOREMOST, PREEMINENT (very, very WORST) of ALL SINNERS WHO HAVE EVER LIVED! He really WAS.
Jesus Christ chose Paul, the WORST, CHIEF, FOREMOST, PREEMINENT SINNER THAT EVER LIVED (huperbole), to be put on PUBLIC DISPLAY for the whole world to see Jesus Christ demonstrating ALL HIS PATIENCE, for a "PATTERN" that will be repeated over, and over, and over again billions and billions of times for all those that Christ will likewise bring to repentance at any second He so desires!!!
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Once again I encourage you Alex not to give up hope. These things take time and I doubt He is finished with you yet. Think of all the other ways He may have changed your life, and keep hoping and praying He will continue to do so.