Pierdut,
Everyone here has given you some excellent advice and encouragement. Please listen to them, take it in and seriously consider it all.
It's gonna take a lot of time to get to a point where sin no longer has rule over you. The fact you express and acknowledge your an horrible sinner is a good thing. Let it humble you as you realize God has made you this way. Trust that only He can and will fix you in His time and not yours.
All of God's Elect has gone through, is going through and will go through what you are going through now. That old serpent wants you to believe God does not care.
We who have this hope are with you bro.
1Pe 5:6 Therefore be humbled under the mighty hand of God, so that He may exalt you in due time,
1Pe 5:7 casting all your anxiety onto Him, for He cares for you.
1Pe 5:8 Be sensible and vigilant, because your adversary the Devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking someone he may devour;
1Pe 5:9 whom firmly resist in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions in the world are being completed in your brotherhood.
1Pe 5:10 But the God of all grace, He calling us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a little, He will perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
Here's a great email reply from Ray on the subject.
http://www.bible-truths.com/email11.htm#stopIn one of your e-mails you said that God expects us sin, which means he's not disappointed or angry with us?
The question here is: Everytime I sin, I ask forgiveness and repent. I feel that it's not working (repenting, asking forgiveness, etc). Am I doing something wrong?
[Ray Replies]
Dear Jeff:
Unfortunately, there is not a magic bullet that will instantly clean us of all sin and bad habits. Even the physical analogies of this spiritual washing, purging, and cleaning of our carnality, indicate that time is required. It takes time to wash clothing, it takes time to purify gold and silver in a furnace, etc.
The penalty of sin issue can be settled in your heart and mind the instant you come to realize that Jesus PAID IN FULL the penalty for your sins and all the sin of the world. However, paying the penalty for sin does not instantly PURGE AND WASH US CLEAN OF SIN. The penalty is paid, but the condition lingers.
The more you SEE your sins and shortcomings, the more you will DESIRE to rid yourself of these things. We are crucified WITH CHRIST, yet we live, but the life we live is one of OVERCOMING THE SINS FOR WHICH WE AND CHRIST DIED FOR.
We have been HAND-PICKED by God to be in His kingdom. Now we must go through the training course that He has set before us. Jesus said that He overcame THE WORLD. We too are to overcome THE WORLD. It's a HUGE task, that requires the power of SPIRIT to accomplish.
Don't become discouraged in well-doing. You will triumph in Christ if you have His spirit working in you. God will even give you the DESIRE to want to do right and be right.
This life is a life of SPIRITUAL WARFARE. There will be many battles before the final victory. So we must endure and we must overcome. For those whom God has chosen, this will be accomplished!
God be with you,
Ray