Borderline Personality Disorder, Psychosis or Pure Evil?

[loretta]

Being a borderline feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger, confusion, never knowing how I'm gonna feel from one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt those whom I love. Feeling misunderstood. Nothing gives me pleasure. Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I'd feel too much guilt for those I'd hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or take an overdose to make all the feelings go away. https://www.bpdcentral.com/borderline-disorder/hallmarks-of-bpd/

Has anyone here had an experience with BPD?  A SO, spouse, parent, sibling or child. A friend. Or maybe you have the condition yourself and are struggling with recovery.  Has your perspective changed since coming to BT, knowing the truth about evil and the soverignty of God.  Is recovery possible at all?  Does that black hole inside of them ever fill up?  Is it realistic to hold out in hope?

[arion]

Well, not a BPD here but a full fledged Schizoid personality disorder that I've had since my early twenties.  No medication and nothing that can be done for it on a carnal and physical realm.  You go to a psychiatrist and they want to medicate you.  You go to a psychologist and they want you to contemplate your naval.  All that psychologists and counselors can do is root around in the carnal and physical which accomplishes nothing that is basically a problem with no organic cause.

I've come to the point several years ago now that it's been put in the Lord's hands and I'm o.k. with it.  There are pluses and minuses to just about everything.  On the negative side I tend to be a loner's loner but it doesn't bother me.  On the plus side I don't get the emotional swings that a lot of people get.  I tend to be the same emotional temperature day/night, good/bad. 

And this is something that has really humbled me.  I have made quite a study of the Nazi's during WWII.  I wanted to see just how people with apparent normal backgrounds could turn into animals that did the things that they did with apparently no more feeling than swatting a fly.  But, I've come to the realization that I probably would of made a very good Nazi who could of been a very dangerous and feelingless person except for the grace of God.  When people wonder how could a Hitler or someone like that could happen, I know how it could happen.  I know that if I was born 50 years earlier and lived in Germany that I would of rationalized it and went right along with everybody else.

It's a humbling revelation I tell you.  A lot of Christian folk will say 'Except for the grace of God goeth I' but they really don't believe it....not for a minute.  I do experientially know this.  I know that I could of done horrible things except for God's intervention.

So for me there is a measure of blessing about this condition.  One of the hardest things for people to get their minds around is the beast within and to confront that beast.  My condition is the very vehicle that God has used to bring me face to face with that inner beast.  It makes me very grateful and at the same time extremely humbled.  God works on us all in his ways and in his timing and I'm OK where I am at.  So there are some positives and I'm beyond the point of beating myself up because I can't be as outgoing and as emotional as others can be.  We all have our own trials in life and this is simply the one I have to carry.

[rick]

Assumptions held by BPD sufferers
When you're interacting with someone with BPD, it's crucial to understand that their unconscious assumptions may be very different from yours.
Their assumptions may include:
I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I am worthless. I must be completely competent in all ways to be a worthwhile person.
Some people are good and everything about them is perfect. Other people are thoroughly bad and should be severely blamed and punished for it.
My feelings are always caused by external events. I have no control over my emotions or the things I do in reaction to them.
Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them, so I always lose everyone I care about-despite the desperate things I try to do to stop them from leaving me.
If someone treats me badly, then I become bad.
When I am alone, I become nobody and nothing.
I will be happy only when I can find an all-giving, perfect person to love me and take care of me no matter what.
But if someone close to this loves me, then something must be wrong with them.
I can't stand the frustration that I feel when I need something from someone and I can't get it. I've got to do something to make it go away.
Keep in mind that these do not reflect the thinking of every person with BPD. You must judge what is pertinent in your individual circumstances.


Seems BPD is a totally self centered disease, the beast at its very essence. 

[Dave in Tenn]

Thanks, Arion.  You answered the question I had when I saw the title of this thread:  What is "pure evil"?

[loretta]

Tks Arion, for your candid sharing.  It is nice getting a Christian perspective from the other side.  Someone who understands the truths of God, his ultimate purpose and who despite the daily struggle to live with the condition, is so beautifully reconciled to the sovereign plan of God. Thank you, this in itself, is so full of hope.

Tks Rick.  You couldn't have explained this psychosis better.  All I can add is:

But if someone close to this loves me, then something must be wrong with them. So I must find something wrong with them.

It's a humbling revelation I tell you.  A lot of Christian folk will say 'Except for the grace of God goeth I' but they really don't believe it....not for a minute.  I do experientially know this.  I know that I could of done horrible things except for God's intervention.

This is a telling commentary of how God does use human psychosis/distortion of the mind/evil to accomplish his sovereign purpose.  Holocaust stories/the strength of the human spirit always inspired me, but for the first time I am able to get a glimpse into the minds of the Nazis and understand what caused them to act so insanely.

Seems BPD is a totally self centered disease, the beast at its very essence. 

Recognizing BPD traits and understanding the triggers behind them is one thing.  Living with them is altogether hell.  I've joined an online forum for support and trying to come to terms with the reality that this is beyond my ability to change.  Thankfully, I don't have it half as bad with my SO.  But as Rick so rightly said, it is the beast at its very essence.  From the stories I read about, its a condition that leaves destruction in its wake, of lives, careers, marriages, relationships, families, reputation, children, futures, everything.  Sadly most people come to know about BPD only in hindsight, when they are sifting through the rubble of their lives.  Even those who do know struggle to maintain their sanity and protect their hearts.  It isn't any better on the Christian group. There is a woman, at 62 who is ending her marriage after 45 years of marriage because she can't take it anymore.  A 16 year old has to endure emotional abuse from her divorced father.  Another teen wears headphones when her father is home. Messy divorces and child custody battles, leave young children wounded and sometimes in the care of their 'out of control' parent. Emotional, verbal and sexual abuse, rage, strife, infidelity, acting out, acting in, substance abuse, alcoholism, blackmail.  Its sheer madness, and the scale is alarming.  Experts say that owing to its genetic nature, it is spawning a generation of 'out-of-control' people.  Ironically, many counsellors are also people battling their own demons and they study psychiatry/psycholgy mainly to help themselves.  So you can imagine the confusion, a blind trying to help the blind. As Arion rightly asserted, it is more than just carnal.  At the heart of it is pure evil, of God, and of his purposes.

My struggle right now is , how do I love this personification of evil?

[arion]

My struggle right now is , how do I love this personification of evil?

You don't love the evil of course and just having a mental condition is no excuse for bad behavior either.  Those who are struggling with these things sometimes get so wrapped up in themselves that they really don't understand how it's affecting another loved one.  Depending on the situation sometimes strict limits need to be imposed....tough love if you will.

If the OP is a spouse there may be times where you simply need to take some time away for your own mental health.  Your not doing the spouse any good if your emotionally exhausted in the process and that is where the tough love comes in, in order to make the other person aware that there is more than one side to the relationship.  And as Ray has taught before in one of his audios if a relationship is truly abusive, God hasn't said we need to sit there and take getting beaten for example.

If the OP is a child, other relative or a friend I think that too is where tough love and behavior limits come into play.  The other person either may not know how the behavior is being perceived or aware of how hurtful it is.  OTOH they may know how bad the behavior and how hurtful it is but in their current mental state they might not just care too much.  I think that boundaries and limitations are extremely important and once again God never said you had to be a punching bad either literally or figuratively. 

A medical workup may be helpful because I do think in some cases there may be an organic problem within the brain that perhaps a medication might help.  The basic problem I have with most meds for all medical conditions is the meds seem to mask the symptoms but never fix what is wrong.  In the [few] cases where there is indeed an imbalance in the brain chemistry the meds might turn a corner. 

For those [such as myself] where there is no physical organic cause and the problem is psychological and/or spiritual in nature the person involved is as much in the dark as to their behavior and why they react the way they do as you are.  But again, that is where some tough love and limits need to come into play.  You can love the other person but not the behavior.  In many ways what I deal with is much easier as I have no relationship with anyone else where my behavior and lack of empathy at times can hurt someone else.  I interact with people at work on a professional level and then the rest of my life is just me and the dog and I'm content with that. 

As you can see I interact just fine on the Internet and can be conversational and perhaps helpful through dialog with the safety of the keyboard and computer screen but face to face would be totally different.  I would probably just clam up and try to get away from you as quickly as I could within the bounds of civility.  You see....it's not your problem, it's my problem.  Don't own the situation because you can't and it's hurtful for you.

More than anything as we all know here God is in control, he is sovereign in his creation and we all have different things on our plate.  I would rather deal with what I'm dealing with instead of looking at what Ray had to deal with the last few years of his life.  I don't know why God choose to have Ray deal with terminal cancer any more than I know what I have to deal with seemingly terminal psychological issues.  But what I do know is that God has promised to make me, you, your loved ones and everyone reading this thread into the image of his dear son.  With some of us he's working on us right now.  With others he has put them on the shelf as it were and will work on them through his Son and the very elect of God in the ages to come.  However he does it, it will all work out in the end and of this I am convinced.

God bless!!

[John from Kentucky]

I don't believe in all the mental illnesses so-called experts have come up with.

In modern times, evil has become a disease.  It's not people's fault.  They blame some disease.

Alcoholics can't help themselves.  It is a disease.

Homosexuality is no longer even considered a mental aberration.  The experts say it is now normal.  That they should be allowed to be "married".   



Whatever our problems are.  And we all have problems and sins.  We all need salvation from them.  Salvation in the Greek Scriptures means healing.

We all need healing from mental and physical illness, from relationship problems, from financial problems, from all the heartaches of the human heart.

Only Jesus is Savior.  Only Jesus will heal us.  And He will do so at the appointed times.

[loretta]

But what I do know is that God has promised to make me, you, your loved ones and everyone reading this thread into the image of his dear son.  With some of us he's working on us right now.  With others he has put them on the shelf as it were and will work on them through his Son and the very elect of God in the ages to come.  However he does it, it will all work out in the end and of this I am convinced.

Arion and others who may be suffering from any mental illness, my apologies.  You are not the personification of evil.  Just like the rest of us, you have the beast within, maybe just a little more active.  In His time and in His way, God will deal with that beast.  That is the good news.

Thanks again, Arion.  As I struggle to separate the beauty from the beast, you have shown me that people with emotional dysregulation do have hearts that can be graced by God. God bless you too. 

Only Jesus is Savior.  Only Jesus will heal us.  And He will do so at the appointed times.

I don't know how I would have dealt with all this revelation about bpd had I not known the truths of God.  That after 16 years, God chose to show me now, is indeed a measure of His love and concern for me.  Right now I am grieving for what will probably never be.  But I am also joyful, because I know that this age is not for me.  I'm excited to see what God is preparing us for, in the age to come.

For others who may be struggling with this relatively unknown condition, here are some resources that are helpful

When Hope Is Not Enough. A how-to guide for living with and loving someone
with Borderline Personality Disorder
http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/when-Hope-is-Not-Enough-ebook.pdf

Two sets of four rules that make relationships with Borderlines easier for the Non-BP
http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/wp-content/uploads/4x4ebook.pdf

Stop Walking on Eggshells. Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
http://www.bpdcentral.com/store/stop-walking-on-eggshells/prod_14.html

Online Communities for support
http://www.bpdcentral.com/support-groups/
http://groups.google.com/group/ATSTPGroup/