Hi everyone,
My name is Eric, and while I am new to the forum, I actually have been studying the teachings of Ray for about 8 months now - maybe even 10.
For some reason, I have not felt the urge to stop attending worship and classes at the congregation in which I grew up. I usually sit quietly and listen to the "by the numbers" answers to all the questions the teacher or preacher asks. I've repeatedly asked God to keep my mouth shut until the time appointed by Him, if ever, for me to open it speak of what I believe. Everyone repeats the answers that they've been taught from birth; no one presents anything new. But I've used it as kind of a trial run - so to speak - to see if I could confidently defend what I've learned against what they teach. I try to remember Scriptures, I try to remember examples from Scripture to use just in case I do need to present a defense someday for what I believe.
Tonight was our weekly Wednesday night class. As it so happens, we are studying I Timothy. And - you guessed it - the discussion tonight centered around the meaning of I Timothy 2:3-4.
This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.I remained silent until someone for some reason brought up that we have free will. At which point I asked, "Doesn't the foreknowledge of God negate the free will of man?" They, of course, kept saying that we have a choice, obviously interchanging choice and will. When I gave the example of Judas - that "Jesus knew from the beginning when he chose Judas to be an apostle that Judas would betray him. Did that mean that Judas could have of his own free will chosen to not betray Jesus?" Many said that Judas could have chosen not to betray Jesus and even went so far as to say that Jesus gave Judas every opportunity to choose not to betray him.
We then got off onto the subject of evil. They, of course, said that God did not intend for evil to be in the world. And you should have heard the silence in the room when I said that I beilieved He did and in fact I believed He created it. There was dead silence and even a smirk of unbelief from one of the senior members of the congregation. One of the elders, who was sitting right beside me whispered, "You are wrong. Show me a scripture."
I wasn't able to at that moment, since discussion had resumed with another gentleman saying that the Scriptures are simple to understand and that we shouldn't be reading into them more than what is on the page. Since he didn't say my name, I chose not to give an answer, but I'm pretty sure he was making a comment on my beliefs.
Needless to say, for the rest of the class, I remained silent. Interestingly enough, my parents were also in this class, and not once did they speak up, nor after class did they come to me with what they were thinking. I can't say that they were embarrased or upset with what I was saying, since I haven't spoken with them, but tonight I think I got an inkling of what it may be like when Jesus said that he came not to bring peace, but division, even in our own families.
Anyway, after the teacher wrapped up, I sat with Joe, the elder who had whispered for me to show him the scripture concerning evil, at which point I directed him to Isaiah 45:7 and Amos 3:3-7. We both had the NIV which translates
ra' as disaster, but I explained that the Hebrew word was actually
ra' which meant evil or bad, and that the word for create in Isaiah was
bara' which is the same Hebrew word used in Genesis for when God
created the heavens and the earth.
At which point, he looked at me and said, "Hmm. It says it right there in the Bible, doesn't it? Looks like this is something I'm gonna have to study more." We talked for a few more moments about all being saved and what the purpose of evil might be.
I guess the point for this post is just for me to express my feelings. While I am encouraged by my discussion with Joe, my heart broke all through the rest of the class. I think I know what Jesus may have felt when he wept before raising Lazarus from the grave. Some people think that he cried because Lazarus dies and that is how we know had feelings just like us. I choose to believe he was crying because he was troubled in his heart by their unbelief. Why would he grieve for the loss of Lazarus when he knew from the beginning when Mary's sisters came to him that he would raise Lazarus from the grave? But that's another discussion.
But even now, for some reason of which I know not
I do not feel the urge to leave just yet. I believe I have "come out of her" spiritually, but as for physically attending class and worship, I believe God may have some purpose for me to remain.
I do appreciate Ray and all of you who post on this site. Even though I haven't been active in the forum, I still take much encouragement and knowledge away from what everybody says - even those who don't agree.
Thanks to all those who have had the patience to sit through this little expression of heartbreak and be my sounding board for a little while.
Gods blessings to you all,
Eric