I'm using this topic to describe what it was like for me to come back to my first love. Sometimes I suppose it's good for people to not only have something to sympathise with, but to also get to know someone on a personal level through testimony. That's what God gives to me: a testimony is for edification to the body. Why wouldn't it be? -so I figured that I would give you a little story for the purpose of showing you one way that God uses what seems as the worst situations to make you finally let go of what you think you want for the good of His Purposes. I like to write a lot, so this might get a little lengthy; but I'll give you the shortest version I can.
When I was little, I used to talk to God. Not really praying or anything (I didn't know what praying was), but What I knew from my parents was minimal: God made everyone and He's in Heaven. That's all I had to go by. I was an only child for a while and my closest friend from school was miles away, so whenever I was alone, I just talked to Him, almost like he was my "imaginary" friend.
When I was thirteen or so, we moved to N.C. and for the first time, we went to a church. It was nondenominational, so I never really had experience with different beliefs. I remember specifically when I learned about "hell" through the church, asking God in my mind whether or not I'm going to be safe from a place like that. A woman stood up in silence immediately after and said, "Don't be afraid for you are not condemned". I put a lot of thought into it, but it was the only thing I had at the time to believe that God was there and that He heard me. Not too long after that, a few months maybe, we left there because my parents were betrayed (to put it in a kind way) by what they thought were friends who attended there. We never went back, but it only confirmed certain skeptical beliefs that even atheists hold with churches. A lot of bigotry and greed among the people there.
I lived for a while like an everyday American Highschool student with a Rock & Roll background. I did a lot of drugs, swore all the time, Put myself first every now and then. I didn't feel myself changing much, just the things I liked to do. I would have given a pretty quasi-sound debate to anyone who condemned my actions. I didn't really break the law or anything, so I don't have a gigantic epic story; just subtle changes. I still talked to God, but the more and more I lived contrary to His Word, the more I asked questions and the less I got the answers. I could feel through my conscience the difference between right and wrong, but it didn't dictate the decisions I made.
I got married at the age of 20. I met this girl through my best friend. I knew she had a crush on me beforehand....long story short. She didn't believe in God, but I loved her anyway. Most of her insensible beliefs kind of stemmed from her little brother getting run over by a car when he was 7. I thought for a long time I could change her. Guess what, you cannot speed up or slow down the time that God reveals truth to someone, no matter what you may think.
Towards the end of five years, she kept getting meaner, angrier, for what reason I didn't know. She received every superficial security that a worldly girl would want, but it wasn't enough. I thought at the time if I kept giving more, she would love me more; or she might believe that God was taking care of her though me. That's just the way my mind worked at the time. She started sneaking around....that's when my whole world fell apart. I eventually made myself forgive her, but she left anyway. I smoked two packs a day and drank all the time for the next six months. All I did was go to work and come home. I kept asking God why this would happen if He loved me so much, but I wasn't angry with Him. I really wanted to know why it happened(silly ol' me didn't even think about how much sin had to do with it on my end). Around the end of six months, I hadn't eaten in a while, I was still drinking, still smoking too much, I got a stomach ulcer, shook a lot. I could literally feel my body dying. I didn't go crazy, but understand that I pitted all of my security on my wife. She was my assurance that I had it good, or at least I thought.
One night, I couldn't take my loss any more and I broke down and screamed as loud as I could. I remember exactly what I said. "Please Help me! I can't take it anymore! I give up!" I cried on my knees for what seemed like hours. The TV was on and oddly enough it was one of those Jesus movies with bad acting, but at the moment I payed attention to it, Jesus said ,"...verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you". I didn't understand the message as much as I knew that moment was for me from Him. I started laughing a little; but what I remember was smiling for the first time in a long time. He reached in and reminded me that all my life He was always there.
I started learning the Bible and downloaded tons of teachings and for about three months or so, that's all I did. After that, my parents told me about a church they just went to last week and asked me if I'd come. This is what I'd been waiting for! A great chance to fill in the holes of what I'd been learning and maybe they can answer some questions for me! For three or so years, I learned so much I couldn't even see myself transform into who I am now. God set me up for everything that I have now, but understand this: instead of gaining wealth in the form of money or possessions, He's been giving me spiritual wealth, which is what we're here for.
It wasn't until maybe six months ago that I found this site and was distraught at how it was scripturally sound, but it contradicted almost everything I had learned. My heart couldn't let me keep going to church. I was angry for a little while at the lies that people believe without question. No one I talked to believes it except for my fiance, who let me show her the scriptural evidence of certain points. That's why God led me to her now rather than any other time. Either way, I'm still keeping in touch with most of the people in the church, until I get married, which is at the end of this month. After that, we're going to study the Word with believers that have been given the truth, like yourselves.
What I've learned about God is that He appointed everything that happened to me for me to be where I am now. Everything for a purpose, everything for a time. Nothing was out of His control. He's been directing me since the beginning, even when some would prophecy a long time ago to me to be a man of God while I was still high!
To everyone that isn't sure whether or not God will use you for something good. He's using you right now, you just don't know it yet.
- Beau