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My own private hell
carol70:
Diana and MG,
I was very humbled by you both. For the first time I was truly able to look past my own pain and get a glimpse of what it was like for God to watch his son suffer. Through all of my trials, I never considered that He was suffering right along with me, and that my suffering could not compare to what he went through with His son.
God has used my trials to humble me and show me my own sins. As painful as it has been, I am so grateful that God has begun sharing his Word and his truth with me.
Thank you Shmeggly, for sharing your story with us. I have been very blessed by this thread.
Love and peace,
Carol
Shmeggly:
I think I knew by becoming vulnerable a bit, and sharing what's happening, it would bring out some good. Even though I fought it....
All I can say is wow....I am blown away by the stories here, and the insight into pain and suffering. I want to thank you Diana for your post and words of encouragement. You are so right....
MG, thank you for sharing about your son. I still can't fathom what you and others on this forum have gone through. Your last paragraph is absolutey truth; I have felt that in my spirit for a long time now.
I have despaired because I am struggling spiritually, and when I think that God is not there for me, then I feel hopeless.
But I know He has been talking to me, so gently I can barely hear. I've never "heard" from God like some people do. But this has been fairly strong impression inside me, and I've said "I'm either completely off my rocker, or I'm hearing from God."
What I've heard for awhile now, is that I am to love my wife unconditionally, because she has never been loved unconditionally. (I don't know if that is true or not, just what I "heard".) Also, I keep hearing "love the unloveable"....to be patient, loving and kind.
This is the opposite of what I want to do....which makes me think it's from God! To protect myself, I want to shut off love, and just move on. THAT is what makes this so hard....it would be easy if it was just "move on", and stop loving her. But I don't feel like that is what I'm supposed to do....if I'm not hearing from God, the worst thing that will happen is I will have loved my wife no matter what, so I guess I can't lose. Except it is excruciatingly painful....more on that!
I have had an impression of a wounded bird beeing handed to me....and to take care of it. But instead, I slowly crushed it, not realizing what I was doing. So now that I know what is really the root of the problem, maybe I will have another opportunity to nurture and help heal my wounded wife.
But I am so not wanting to go through this trial! Last night I was trying to think of reasons to live; and even in the depths of absolute despair, I realized that my wife has nothing to do with it. I know God is doing this for both of us, and that He wants me to be able to function as a whole human being, regardless of my wife, and He wants her hurt to be revealed, and to be dealt with, and for her to be a whole person too....
I hope this doesn't sound as bad as I think; like I said before, I have no desire to die, just don't want the pain! And I know my kids need me, and yes, my wife still needs me.
My daughter just called from the pool! She needs me to pick her up; she is so special, wonderful, and she needs her one and only DAD!!!
Thanks for caring everyone, and Pera, hang in there!!! You are an encouragement!!!
Carol, I am humbled by you! James
DuluthGA:
Hi all, especially Shmeggly and Pera, just a brief note on my little adaptation to my old Catholic way of "making the sign of the cross" on myself. Instead of the usual utterance, I would say, "Born, suffer, die, rise again."
That sort of sums it up for us all and it will hold true according to God's Word.
With His peace, Janice
skydreamers:
--- Quote ---What I've heard for awhile now, is that I am to love my wife unconditionally, because she has never been loved unconditionally. (I don't know if that is true or not, just what I "heard".) Also, I keep hearing "love the unloveable"....to be patient, loving and kind.
This is the opposite of what I want to do....which makes me think it's from God! To protect myself, I want to shut off love, and just move on. THAT is what makes this so hard....it would be easy if it was just "move on", and stop loving her. But I don't feel like that is what I'm supposed to do....if I'm not hearing from God, the worst thing that will happen is I will have loved my wife no matter what, so I guess I can't lose. Except it is excruciatingly painful....more on that!
--- End quote ---
How moving and how beautiful...brings me to tears! James, I really think God is revealing HIMSELF to you in a most special and deep way...this is HIS heart...you are most definitely "hearing" the voice of God telling you to keep loving your wife...read the book of Hosea...your wife may be "rejecting" you, but as you say she is in pain and doesn't know any better as to how to deal with her emotions/thoughts right now. Though I can't say what the future holds for your two, you are right when you say this experience is for both of you, and you shall both be strengthened by it.
In Hosea, Hosea wants to divorce his adulterous wife, but God tells him to go back to her...this is a reflection of God and His bride...God will never give up on "His wife" who seeks after other lovers. His Love is greater and will inevitably out-woo (if that's a word) any other lovers (idols) out there....
Hosea 2:5-15
For their mother has played the whore; she who conceived them has acted shamefully. For she said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.' Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths. She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them. Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now....And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold, which they used for Baal...and I will punish her for the feast days...and went after her lovers and forgot me, declares the LORD...therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her...and there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
Your wife is looking for her door of hope....
Peace,
Diana
Shmeggly:
Ok Diana, this is almost scary! I just have to share this....
My wife went out walking last night about 10:00.....she didn't come home till 1130 this morning! I kind of guessed she went to her friends house, and she did. Went for 1 drink, and ended up completely loaded and couldn't even walk home! So much for my theory about her and alcohol!
I was upset at her, because we had to pick up 2 of our kids from where they have been for the last week, and she wasn't even able to function. So I said, "If you care, I am picking up our daughters this morning....and by the way, thanks for letting me know your walk was going to be 12 HOURS LONG!!!" (sarcasm!!!)
I said this in a fairly calm controlled voice. I had lain awake most of the night unable to sleep, thinking of course the worst; she's hurt, she's out drunk and being taken advantage of by some guy, or she's deliberately with some guy, etc etc. Talk about the battlefield of the mind! Despair!
When I said that about our daughters, she said she was sorry, hadn't planned on it being more than 1 drink, that she didn't do anything "bad" (she knows I'm jealous) and that she just got drunk with her friend and then ended up not being able to walk home. She was feeling pretty sick too, so we had a bit of a talk, and I got mad and said I was going to find a place to live even if it was temporary, because I couldn't handle her behavior.
She defended her behavior, even though I think she knew she was wrong (and sick!)....
Anyway, left it at that, steaming about it all the way to pick up the girls. I talked with them on the way back (about other things), and by the time I got home, my attitude had softened. My wife was up to meet the girls, and the first thing I did when she looked my way (wounded look) was to mouth "I'm sorry"....she also said sorry and that she thought I would be happy she was sick. I said no....
Ended up talking a little...I know she visibly softened, and she asked if I could buy her some Sprite and crackers (sickness food!) ....I went out and got some, and brought them to her when she lay down. She said thank you for being so kind, and I said that I wanted to be kind and helpful to her.
What it comes down to is this: I should not have gotten angry; whenever I do, it makes things worse. When I do what God wants me to do, things go better. So hard though!
Ok, the scary thing is Diana...that I have had that passage from Hosea on my mind....and had forgotten it for awhile, then was thinking of it again this morning between 5 and 9 o'clock....I knew God is speaking to me about that. I hope it doesn't come to adultery, which I don't think it will for certain reasons...I know I couldn't handle that. But that passage has been brought up to me time and again in my mind. And of course I keep putting it out of my mind....
I don't know what all this means, except to keep doing what I think God is saying. It doesn't mean it will all work out like a movie....but I hope that God restores us to wholeness, our kids too, and keeps our family together. It would take a miracle....and I am still hoping.
Thanks for all who listened, and gave advice, help, and hope. Take comfort in the middle of your own private hell, cause I know some of you are there....thank you SO MUCH for sharing with me, it really has helped. James
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